Wonderful Memories

I am not going to do this post justice, but I want to try. Sunday my grandma passed away after a short battle with cancer. It was a great loss for our family. My grandma has been a centerpiece in my life whom I often took for granted. She always knew all the gossip family news.  If you ever needed to know information about someone in the family, it was almost as easy to go to Grandma for information than it was to go the source.  But Grandma could keep a secret too!  Over the years, I was always amazed at the new things I learned about Grandma.  On one of my more recent visits, I learned that my grandpa bought her a Mustang convertible when my mom, aunts, and uncles were teenagers!

Things I learned from my grandma:
--My love of puzzles (jigsaw, crosswords, and word searches)
--My love of books and going to the library to get them
--My love of the written letter
--I'd like to think that I got my sense of humor from Grandma, but I'm not sure!
--Love of the indoors :)  Apparently, according to recent discussions with other family members, Grandma did not really enjoy the great outdoors!
--How to wake up early (I don't think I really learned this from Grandma, but I definitely inherited it, even if I didn't want to!)

This picture was taken a few weeks ago on a rare outing for Grandma to my mom, brother, and sister-in-law's house.  Grandma did not like to have her picture taken, so we may have snuck some pictures.  This one was my absolute favorite!

Grandma went into the hospital two weeks ago and we were told that the tumor in her intestines had grown.  We knew this was a turning point for the family.  I traveled up to the suburbs the last two weeks to spend time with her.  They were five very good days for her.  I was so thankful for that time, even though I wished for more.  Even in her last days, she was telling stories and saying things to make us laugh.  And caring about others.  Two weeks ago, she was asking me about my church, and my half-siblings.  Some of the time she seemed so confused and then she would ask questions about things that I would not expect her to remember.  She cared so much about each of us, even if she sometimes had a weird way of showing it.  One of her favorite exasperated phrases was, "You people!" usually said often when there was a family gathering.  We started referring to all of us hanging out at the house the past couple of weeks as a party, because she was never alone.  Erin told me the other day that she had said to Grandma, "I'll see you tomorrow for the party."  And Grandma said, "It would be a real party if everyone left!"  Haha--such a Grandma thing to say.

Saturday night, the last conversation we had with her was when she was going to bed.  Nate and Erin had just helped get her to her room, which often caused her a lot of pain.  As we were saying goodbye, Nate told her that he would see her tomorrow for the party.  She asked him what she should make :).  He told her that she didn't need to make anything, she just needed to supply the drugs.  She said, "Oh, I have plenty of those!"  When I leaned in to say goodbye she asked if I was going home, because she knew I always had to travel from Peoria and back.  I told her no, I would see her for the party tomorrow, too and then leave tomorrow to go home.  Little did we know that she would take a turn for the worst in the middle of the night.  My mom got a call in the morning and we all went to the house.  Grandma was unconscious all morning but we were able to take turns sitting with her and holding her hand.  It was good to be with family.  She passed away at 11:15.  She will be so missed.

My aunt had this picture in one of her albums.  Grandma is holding me at my cousin's second birthday.  I am a little over one.

Things I remember about grandma from when I was younger:
--Sorting huge jars of pennies on her floor
--Doing puzzles with her
--She would make "sand" boxes out of cornmeal (I think)
--I only liked carrots the way she cut them
--Her house was one of my favorite places to be

My cousin Megan took this picture on Friday.  Such a precious thing:

Grief is such a funny thing.  Even on Sunday, we laughed and cried as we shared memories.  This week has been a bit of a roller coaster.  My supervisor has been amazing and almost forced me to go home on Monday.  My clients have cooperated by cancelling some appointments so I can work short days.  I have been pretty lethargic in the mornings, randomly teary during the day, at times in denial that she is gone.  Most of the family will head to Missouri this weekend, where my grandma was from.  There will be a small service on Sunday and her remains will be buried there.  We will have a family get together in July.  We will learn to function as a family without her at the center.  It will be hard, but it is expected.  We should take a vote on who will be the bearer of all family news :).

Here is the obituary that some of the family wrote.  Even from this, I learned something new.  I never knew she had the nickname of Possum!

Pauline (Denton) Koszycki, a long-time resident of the Chicagoland area, died Sunday the 5th of June 2016 at her home in Roselle, Illinois surrounded by her children and grandchildren. Born the 13th of November 1927 in Mountain View, Missouri, she attended a women's college and attained a teaching certificate.  Pauline first taught in a single room school in Howell County for a few years.  She subsequently moved to the Southside of Chicago with her sister Gen and a friend to seek more lucrative employment opportunities.  There, she worked in a secretarial pool for an insurance company.  A blind date with Eugene C. Koszycki made obvious the path her life was to take.  Pauline and Eugene wed in 1952.  Six children, eight grandchildren and two great grandchildren ensued.  While raising her children she taught grade school at Saint Walter’s Catholic School and helped Eugene forge a family drapery business.  She had a hand in raising every grandchild, and unconditionally loved and protected her entire family. Curling up with her books earned Pauline the childhood nickname of Possum.  She remained an avid reader throughout life, and enjoyed solving puzzles, writing letters, following the news, and keeping politically current.  She was a conduit of family information while maintaining a rare ability to keep a secret.  Through her very last day, Pauline approached life with a strong will and contagious sense of humor. Preceded in death by her parents John Gordon and Dora Marie (Reese) Denton; her siblings Elmer Denton, Genevieve Stark, John Denton, Max Denton, Leahman Denton, Cecil Denton, and James Denton; her husband Eugene Koszycki and her granddaughter Nicole Forsberg. Survived by her sisters Thelma Williams (Bill) and Bettie Baser (Don); her children Margaret Haufe (Walter), Carl Koszycki (Lydia), Cynthia Forsberg, Patricia Koszycki, Teresa Luketin, and Paul Koszycki; her grandchildren Christopher Forsberg (Ann), Michele Delgado (Sergio), Teresa Forsberg, Megan Griffin (Dan), Jake Luketin, Nate Luketin (Erin), and Dan Haufe; her great-grandchildren John Forsberg and Michael Forsberg. She will be laid to rest at Old Mountain View City Cemetery on Sunday, the 12th of June.  There will be a memorial gathering at her Roselle residence on Saturday the 9th of July.  In lieu of flowers please make donations to your preferred charity.

She will be so missed.   But she was so loved.  And we were so loved by her.

Stubbornness?

This post is a little more personal than I often write.  And a little vulnerable.  But something I've felt like writing for the past couple of weeks.

If you ask those who know me well what word best describes me?  I wish that word was thoughtful, selfless, caring, etc.  But most often the word used to describe me? Stubborn.  It's  not always a trait I particularly love about myself.  But it is not an inaccurate description.  I will be the first to put my foot down about something I don't want to do.  And I will stick to it, sometimes to the point of annoyance to others.  That I don't like.  I don't necessarily like to be stubborn.  Sometimes I do it to prove that I can.

But the other thing that only those who are really close to me understand--I often use stubbornness to cover up anxiety about something.  Am I putting my foot down and refusing to do something out of principle or to prove a point?  Or am I doing it because I am afraid to do what someone is asking me to do? Of trying something new? I can honestly say that even I don't know the reason sometimes.  But there are times that I'm being stubborn that I just want to blurt out, "Keep pushing, I might actually say yes."  There are other times that I want to say, "Stop pushing, you're only making the anxiety worse."  This stubbornness thing, is just plain confusing.

On a positive note, I have recently come to realize that my stubbornness is a good trait to have in my job.  You give me a teenager who hates therapy and refuses to talk, and I will be able to say to that teenager, "You don't have to talk to me.  But I am going to be a solid, trustworthy person in your life for one hour a week.  Whether you want me there or not.   Your sullenness or hostility won't get me to walk away from you because I know that you need someone to stick with you.  So here I am."  Sometimes for a few weeks, sometimes for over a year.  A good portion of the time, I end up with a teenager who says, "This wasn't so bad after all.  You've helped me."  Not all the time, but a good portion of the time.  Maybe it's that anxiety-driven stubbornness that helps me to be this person.  Because often that sullenness and hostility in a teenager is driven by something deeper.

When you see my stubbornness, look deeper.  You might just be surprised at what you find.

Forever a Burke!

For two and a half years, I have been waiting to post pictures of this sweet kid!  Friends of mine, Joe and Ginger, started fostering Daniel when he was one week old.  I got to meet him and cuddle with him the first day he was in their home.  And I've gotten to watch him grow into a spunky, sweet, smiling almost 3 year old!  I've taught him important things, like that his fingers are called phalanges (I'm not sure he knows they are also called fingers!).  Today, I was able to witness his adoption!  I cried (no surprise there) and I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.  I am so excited to watch him grow up as a Burke!

 Mini golf, June 2014

 Daniel's first birthday party, July 2014.

 This family is such a blessing to me!

 "Our village" as Ginger called us! :)

A Day at the Zoo

Sunday I got to spend the afternoon with my sister and her lovely roommates!  They were so kind to let me tag along to the zoo so I could see the new baby lion cubs.

And they were so cute!  Playing and pouncing.  One cub even stalked the zebra in the enclosure next to the lion enclosure.

And look at those paws!

And then I found a cherry blossom tree to take some pictures of, because zoos are not just for viewing animals.

sun. roof.

When I bought my car last year, I wanted the push button start, which was an upgrade. The Civic upgrade only came with a sunroof. I was very against the sunroof, but the push button start won out, so a sunroof I recieved.

It is now one of my favorite features in my car, especially in the spring and fall when it lets in the crisp air.  And that beautiful sunshine.  I love it!

A Day Off? Sure!

Work has been a bit crazy for me lately, so coming up to Easter, I decided it was a good time to take a couple of days off--Good Friday and Easter Monday.  I anticipated these days off probably more than I should!  I have not been sleeping well the last week so I was extremely tired going into the weekend.  The four nights of this break, I never went to bed later than 10:30!  Because I have been waking up extremely early (anyone want to hang out from 3am to 4am?  I'm your gal!), I decided getting to bed early was a priority.  The weekend was filled with fun and relaxation.  But this Monday was spectacular.  I finally saw a decently restful night of sleep!  Which allowed me to get a lot done today and still feel like I relaxed.  I shopped (a lot!) and finally found jeans that aren't too long for me! (At Target of all places).  This particular hunt for jeans left me discouraged on Saturday after about four stores, and led to me being very dramatic and stating, "I guess I won't wear pants this summer!"  I also got back into an exercise routine.  Last week I just fell off the wagon.  And then I ate a ton this weekend.  Something had to change!  And I was able to read and spend more time than usual in Bible study.  And meet a friend for lunch.  And cook a casserole for lunches for the week.  And wash my sheets.  And paint my fingernails and toenails.  Like I said, it was a productively relaxing day which was much needed.  If I had had to go to work today, I might have cried myself to sleep last night because I was still so tired.  But I feel more ready to face the rest of the work week having had today off.

Sorry this was such a boring post after being gone for so long.  Sometimes I have to get my toes wet before I jump in.  So maybe more posts will flow after this!

It's the little things

Every couple of years, I change the design on my Discover card.  I don't really know why, maybe because it makes spending money more fun???  It's the same reason I like to have checks with designs on them--it makes paying bills more fun.  This weekend I got my new Discover card in the mail.  I chose one with the picture of a sea turtle on it. :)

(don't worry--this is the image from the Discover page, not a picture of my card)

Last year versus this year

Last year I bought myself a car for Valentine's Day.

 This year, I bought myself flowers.  I figured I was still paying off the car, so I shouldn't be quite so extravagant two years in a row!

So, Happy Anniversary to my car!  The anniversary was yesterday, but I was celebrating by taking it for a spin to a friend's house for a Euchre tournament.  But it has been a fun year of travelling and tooling around town for fun and work.  15,555 miles later, it is still running well.  It has a few dings and scratches and it is extremely dirty right now, so I didn't take an exterior picture again.  And that remote start I splurged on?  Best $400 I've spent in a really long time.  I take full advantage of it most mornings!

Eighteen

Yesterday was my 18 year spiritual birthday!  Eighteen years ago I realized that I was a sinner and needed to be saved from my sins.  I realized that the only way I could be right with God and have a relationship with Him was to accept Jesus as my Savior.  And so I did.  In the bathroom in my dorm as a freshman in college.

I was going to let yesterday pass as just a day to celebrate, me and Jesus.  But today I realized that 18, while not an even number, is a significant number.  18 years as a believer means that I have been a child of God for half of my life!  That is so crazy to wrap my little bitty brain around.

So, in honor of 18 years, I thought I'd offer you some Scriptural truths as gifts for your soul today.

1 John 3:1--"How great it he love the Father lavished on us, that we should be called children of God.  And that is what we are!"  This is my favorite Bible verse, because I am so undeserving of God's love and yet He lavishes it on me.  I love the word lavished.  I think it is so descriptive.

Psalm 20:7--"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."  This was the first verse I ever memorized.

Psalm 145:3--"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom."  Can you imagine something so great that you can't even fathom it?  Talk about having a brain too itty bitty to understand!

Philippians 1:6--"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  God has a plan for me and will carry it on to completion.  He won't give up on me!

Colossians 3:2--"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."  This is one of my greatest struggles--becoming too focused on my circumstances and giving in to the emotions of the moment.

Hebrews 4:16--"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."  There is that word confident again.  Christ gives me confidence.  And God is not a Got that is far off, but He wants me to approach Him with my wants, needs, and desires.

Psalm 141:3--"Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips." Not necessarily a touchy-feely verse, but one that I pray for myself often.  Don't let me speak what will be hurtful to others.  And, O, how often I have to repent when I don't follow through on this verse!

I could go on and on, and I probably should list 18 verses, one for each year, but I don't want you to overlook the treasures in these verses, so I'm going to stop here!  Thank you to all those who God has placed in my life over the last 18 years who have encouraged me to seek truth and trust in God!

Bosom Enemy

I have slowly been reading through Little Women.  It has been on my list to re-read for the last couple of years, but I've never gotten very far into it.  Why, oh why, does anyone think it is a good idea to make children's books which very fine print?  I have had the same struggle with Anne of Green Gables.  I just can't handle that it takes so long to read one page.  It's a weird ADHD symptom I have, I guess.  I want to make progress through a book and flip pages at a quick rate. I actually first read Little Women when I was in high school, just before the movie with Winona Ryder came out.  I really wanted to see the movie but felt like I should read the book first.  I got through it then, so I feel that as an adult, I can get through it now, by golly!

Anyway, I digress.   Tonight I was reading a chapter, and I was surprised at the clear godly message that it presented.  A little background on the chapter.  Jo and Amy got into an argument and Amy retaliated by burning one of Jo's beloved books that she had been writing her own stories in.  Jo stated that she would never forgive Amy and at bedtime Mrs. March advised Jo not to let the sun go down on her anger.  Jo did not listen and the next day when ice skating with Laurie.  Amy followed and ended up falling into the ice.  Jo immediately realized the error of her ways of not forgiving her sister.  While she waited for her sister to wake up from her resting after the trying events of the day, she and her mother had a conversation about trials and temptations. Jo exclaims, "My dreadful temper! I try to cure it; I think I have and then it breaks out worse than ever."  Her mother tells her to "watch and pray, dear, never get tire of trying, and never think it is impossible to conquer your fault...Jo dear, we all have our temptations, some far greater than yours, and it often takes us all our lives to conquer them."  Mrs. March then goes on to tell Jo that she used to have a temper just like Jo's and it has taken her 40 years and she still has to work on controlling her tongue when she is angry.  She calls Jo's temper her "bosom enemy." (which was such a vivid picture because it reminded me of Anne's bosom friend in Anne of Green Gables).  Mrs. March ends by saying that Jo can overcome and outlive the temptations if she learns to "feel the strength and tenderness of your Heavenly Father as you do that of your earthly one.  The more you love and trust Him, the nearer you will feel to Him, and the less you will depend on human power and wisdom.  His love and care never tire or change, can never be taken from you, but may become the source of lifelong peace, happiness, and strength.  Believe this heartily, and go to God with all your little cares, and hope, and sins, and sorrows, as freely and confidingly as you come to your mother."

It was such a good reminder of the sin struggles I have and how I feel like after 15+ years of being a Christian, I should be done with them.  I know better, but when I get frustrated, I just want them to be gone.  This song came to mind:

All  I once held dear, built my life upon,
all this world reveres, and wars to own,
all I once thought gain I have counted loss;
spent and worthless now, compared to this:
[Refrain:]
Knowing you, Jesus, knowing you,
there is no greater thing.
You're my all, you're the best,
you're my joy, my righteousness,
and I love you, Lord.

And my prayer is that I would not hold that bosom enemy, that coveted sin area, as dear in my life, but that I would see it as worthless compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.