June 15th

Something many of you don't know about me: I have an older sister.  I was never able to meet her.  She died before I was born.  Saturday would have been her birthday and she would have been 35.  Nicole was born with anencephaly, a cephalic disorder where the brain, skull, and scalp do not fully form.  Nicole lived 16 days.  Neither of my parents talk about Nicole very much, but I know that they still think about her.  My mom still keeps her date of birth and date of death on her calendar, which is why I know those dates.  When I started keeping my own calendar of birthdays, Nicole's got added.  Throughout the years, I've often wondered what it would have been like to have an older sister.  I like being an older sister to Daynah and Josh, so I think I would have enjoyed having an older sister.  I like my brother, after all. :)

While I was reading through my baby book this time around, I read a few entries that finally made sense, now that I am an adult.  I've read my baby book cover to cover more times than I can say over the years and I always just thought they were normal pregnancy entries. 

March 9, 1979: ultrasound and amniocentesis test done (no after effects).

March 16, 1979: One week later.  Results from alpha feto protein test came back as normal.  The range was in the 90% which is good.  Still waiting for the results from the chromosome tests.

April 13, 1979: Chromosome test results back.  Everything is normal.  We also found out your sex but haven't told anyone except Christopher.  He'll say that you are a girl but 5 minutes later says you will be a boy.  It's nice because he keeps everyone guessing!  You are going to be spoiled I'm afraid--we are already buying you outfits (etc.) and you aren't even born yet!  We are really anxious for you to be born now though! (written: April 28, 1979)

After reading these entries, I cried.  I still don't fully understand them, but I realized this time around that these entries were about tests that the doctors did because of my sister's condition.  I finally realized some of what my mom and dad went through during their pregnancy with me.  They had lost Nicole less than a year before that.  I know I don't know the full extent, but these words written during that pregnancy show me how anxious they must have been to know whether I would be healthy or not.  I also did the math and realized that I was born only 4 days after the one year anniversary of Nicole's death.  What a mix of emotions my parents must have had that week!  Maybe I can get my mom to guest post and get some of her insight into all of this information I'm just beginning to understand.